May 14, 2021

Christian Yelich and Cody Bellinger walk into a bar (ESPN)

It’s 4:30 p.m. on a Wednesday, and, my mom would be thrilled to know, I’m getting my butt kicked in a beer-chugging contest at a Scottsdale bar, bringing up the rear in a three-horse race: 2018 NL MVP Christian Yelich, 2019 NL MVP Cody Bellinger and a dweeb who looks like he can’t chug a beer.

As we slam down our empty pint glasses, the flip-flop-wearing postgame Cactus League crowd at this bar goes nuts — but there appears to be some confusion. It’s a tie! Or maybe not.

“Sam’s definitely out,” says Bellinger, the Dodgers star, dismissing me as nothing more than a mere annoyance before turning to his chief rival. “You and I tied.”

“Nah, I won that one!” replies Yelich, the face of the Brewers. “I definitely beat your ass.”

“We got cameras here,” Bellinger points out. “Run it back.”

ESPN’s camera crew offers instant replay from multiple angles, all of which make embarrassingly clear that I finished last and almost coughed up my beer. Otherwise, the video evidence is inconclusive.

Then our audience of several dozen bargoers, who simply cannot believe their good fortune — Yelich! Bellinger! Beer-chugging! At this bar?! — breaks into a chant.

“Re-match! Re-match!…

Read “Christian Yelich and Cody Bellinger walk into a bar” at ESPN